Alice Provensen (not really) (ibn_rafferty) wrote,
Alice Provensen (not really)

on living and loving

a long time ago i had a realization about being myself.
i thought: "i don't care what others think. i want to be me."
and me i was.
but i longed to love and be loved.
love happened occasionally, but never long enough to satisfy.
now i question: "who am i?"
"why can i not find love?"
"is it me that is not loveable?"
"is it me who does not see the opportunities for love?"
"am i too timid?"
"am i too ____?"
desire for a soulmate has made me question my very being, for i care far more about finding this love than i do about any specific quality of myself... is this wrong? probably... but i cannot help it.
maybe i must learn to let go of my ideals of love.
maybe i need to find myself before i can find my other.
maybe there are no others.
maybe life wouldnt be so bad by myself.
i have no answers.
but i have long neglected the self that does not depend upon others for its happiness.
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i know that you are loved.

Maybe it's not the way you want or envision, but you are loved.

In my experience of you, i have often hoped that you would learn to love yourself. My thoughts head in that direction when i think of the lack you seem to feel. i don't think that loving yourself is a prerequisite to others loving you. However, it helps and perhaps enables a greater way of loving, loving as equals. Also, sometimes finding someone to love and love them is what a person needs to teach them to love themselves. While it has been a hard and still ongoing journey to love myself, the joy i have found in getting there has been wonderful, and i hope that you find it someday. Thinking of you loving yourself reminds me of the book "The Alchemist". i imagine that the process of loving yourself is a lot like the plot of that book. good luck my frined. i have always wished you much happiness, and i continue to do so.

I just finished going about 3 years without a girlfriend to speak of, and I think it did me a lot of good. In that time, I realized that I don't need a lover to be happy; in fact, quite the opposite has often been the case. Having a girlfriend makes me stressed out and sad.

The problem is that I, like most of us, had fallen for the unreasonable happy-ever-after notion of what love is about. I think that, as long as I felt like a healthy, long-term relationship was something I needed, I was doomed to never be able to live one.

I'm not saying that I've without a doubt found a healthy, long-term relationship now. I'm pretty happy with Jacki, but of course she's not perfect for me. No one really is. The difference is that I'm taking my relationship with her on its own terms, looking at her for who she is, rather than for how she can fulfill my stereotype.

So, my advice to you is to not worry about it. (Easier said than done, I know.) You are already surrounded by friends who love you, but I understand that that's different*. Concentrate on being who you are and becoming who you want to be, on being complete as you are. If opportunities for romance come along, take them, but do not expect them to complete you, because they cannot.

*But consider this: it is far better to have a good friend that is not a lover than a lover who is not a good friend.
Learning to function without a significant other is one of the best things a person can do.

I think that you deserve what you are looking for more than most people, but finding it is very difficult. That kind of love is elusive and hard-won. You have to be patient, and while you're waiting, you might as well work on making yourself the person you want to be.