Alice Provensen (not really) (ibn_rafferty) wrote,
Alice Provensen (not really)

on living and loving

a long time ago i had a realization about being myself.
i thought: "i don't care what others think. i want to be me."
and me i was.
but i longed to love and be loved.
love happened occasionally, but never long enough to satisfy.
now i question: "who am i?"
"why can i not find love?"
"is it me that is not loveable?"
"is it me who does not see the opportunities for love?"
"am i too timid?"
"am i too ____?"
desire for a soulmate has made me question my very being, for i care far more about finding this love than i do about any specific quality of myself... is this wrong? probably... but i cannot help it.
maybe i must learn to let go of my ideals of love.
maybe i need to find myself before i can find my other.
maybe there are no others.
maybe life wouldnt be so bad by myself.
i have no answers.
but i have long neglected the self that does not depend upon others for its happiness.
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